My Unsociable Butterfly

I’m writing this piece because it has bothered me for a couple of years that an educator thought my 5 year old was rude, because she wouldn’t speak to her.

For years I would refer to my now 7 year old, as anti-social. The doctor told me anti-social personality means you’re a menace to society. I was using the term incorrectly.

If you see us out, you will see a lively, rambunctious 7 year old. If you approach us, and speak to my daughter, she will look at you as if you have 4 heads. See, my daughter won’t talk to you, and heaven forbid you try to touch her. She’s not being rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly. You will find her, at a distance, flitting around, carefree, but if you approach her, she quickly becomes withdrawn. She will not talk to you. She’s not being rude, or disrespectful to you, she’s being Mya. She’s this way with most family member, so please don’t take it personally.

On the flip side, there are some people Mya will immediately gravitate toward, and act like she’s known them her entire life. Why is that? I have no idea.

I’ve struggled for years, trying to get her to open up and share her wonderful personality with the rest of the world. Dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, anything, where I could get her involved and it required interaction with others. Dance was a disaster. Mya wouldn’t go in the room without me, and the instructor took her from me and held her, and I left, closing the door behind me. I knew the cries and screams could go on for hours, but the teacher didn’t. After 4 classes, we were told “I don’t think she’s ready”. Gymnastics was great until she moved up to a class that not longer allowed the parents to be involved. Again, she wouldn’t go without me, and the gym made some exceptions for us. After a while, it didn’t get any better, so we moved on from there. Soccer was great, for a while. The coach would have to come and get her, in order to get her on the field, and once she was out there, she loved it, and was good at it. During the breaks, I would encourage her to run and play with the other kids, but she would choose to come and sit with us. Once she moved up and was with a larger group of kids, with most of them being new faces, she totally lost interest in soccer. As an outgoing Mom, it hurts to see your daughter missing out on so much fun. It hurts to see your daughter laughing, from the sidelines, while watching the other kids run, laugh and play. I know she wanted to join them, but something in her wouldn’t allow it. If a child did approach her and invite her to join them, she would turn her eyes from them, as if she didn’t see them. I promise you, she’ not being stuck up, or thinking she’s better than your child. She doesn’t know how to interact with her peer group.

When Mya was about 4, she quit giving hugs and kisses. Oh, how I loved those sweet little arms around my neck, and the sloppy kisses. Only 2 people are now allowed to hug and kiss Mya, and that’s me, and her Mamaw. She will stand firmly while you give her hugs, but she will allow me to hug her. She will tolerate you kissing her cheeks, but don’t expect the same affections from her. There are times she will come to me, and give me the biggest hug. Oh how I savor it, and take in the sweetness. From the time she was a baby, we would always hug and kiss each other, and say our “I love you’s”, at bedtime. Not any more. We always tell Mya goodnight, and I love you, but we never expect to hear it in return. I know in my heart, Mya loves us with all her being, I never doubt that, but over the years, I’ve come to accept, this is Mya.

Last year, Mya and I switched doctors. We had been seeing her previous doctor for probably 4 or 5 years. In all the time we were at the previous doctor, Mya never spoke a word to her. The doctor was bubbly, and always walked in the room with open arms, ready to give hugs. Again, heaven forbid you try to touch her. Mya would always, immediately, bury herself into me and try to get as far away as possible. When we had our first visit with the new doctor, I scheduled the appointments so that I could be seen first, because I wanted to talk to the doctor, about Mya’s behavior, without her being in the room. I gave a few examples of her behavior, and expressed my concerns. He asked a few questions and then asked to have Mya brought in to join us. Mya was so cooperative, but when he would talk to her, she wouldn’t respond. She asked me if I could leave the room, she didn’t want me in there while she talked. I left the room, but stood outside the door, with the door slightly open so I could hear. Mya answered all his questions, without hesitation. In doing so, it made me look and feel like I have totally over exaggerated everything. But I didn’t. Oh my gosh, what if it was me? Have I been holding Mya back? No, I have tried everything to encourage her to engage with others. Maybe I’ve pushed too hard. No, because after the dance incident, I never pushed her that far again.

To this day, my 7 year old still struggles in social situations. I don’t know what to do to help her, other than be supportive.

Unless you’ve dealt with YOUR child exhibiting this type of behavior, please don’t think my child is rude. She’s not rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly, she’s Mya, and she’s just being herself.