Several years ago my son stopped by to visit. I could tell by the way he was pacing, he had something on his mind. We stepped outside to talk, and finally he told me he wanted to tell me something. He told me he thought he had romantic feelings for a good friend of his. His friend is male.
How would you react to this news, from your adult child?
I’ve heard many replies that vary from supportive, to downright cruel.
I would disown them. Really? You would turn your back on your child? They need to get right with God. Do you think that God wasn’t his creator as well? He’s going to Hell, it’s a sin. Isn’t judging someone a sin? Gays are sick. Fags need to be shot. The list goes on and on.
When I hear people say these things, it hurts. It hurts because he’s my child, and I love him with all my heart and soul. It hurts because I know there are so many cruel people in this world. It hurts because I know he will have a hard time finding acceptance among certain crowds or groups.
To turn my back on my son, when he came to me with this news, would be a sad situation on my part. I think the reason so many LGBT kids take their lives is because they have no one to turn to. I’m happy my kids can come to me, and talk to me, no matter what the situation.
Our family is very conservative, so there are many that don’t know. Not because I’m ashamed to tell them, but because I’m afraid of what they might say, whether it’s to me, or to him. As a Mother, I want to protect my child.
Is my son happy? Very. He’s been in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. He has completed his Masters degree. He has a home. He hopes to adopt in the future.
How did I respond? With as much love and support as I could offer. He's my child, and I won't turn my back on him.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Michelle Obama Can Shove Her Broccoli
Last year the school starting giving kids “healthy eating” talks, as part of the “Let’s Move” campaign. While I’m a firm believer in healthy eating, I do not think it’s the schools place to put our children on diets. I feel it is my responsibility to raise my children; the school is there to educate my children so they can be productive members of society. I know that sounds hypocritical, but as a parent, isn’t it my responsibility to feed, clothe and assure their safety and well being? Then why does the school feel the need to step in to my area of responsibilities?
My daughter started hearing the lectures in 1st grade. Now, there are ways to go about teaching children to be healthy and active, but reinforcing the word FAT is not one of them. In 1st grade, my daughter started refusing to wear certain clothes “because they make her look fat”. Mind you, my daughter is anything but fat!
Let’s skip ahead to 2nd grade, where my daughter is leaner than she was in 1st. A week or so ago, I attended a healthy eating lecture at the school. Again, it’s great they want the kids to be healthy, but the way they’re throwing this out to the kids, is in no way healthy for developing minds. Fat is a bad word. It’s bad to be fat. Those were the ideas I was left with when the lecture was over.
My daughter has told me the cucumbers she eats all the time are going to make her fat. About a week later, she told me she shouldn’t be drinking milk, because it is making her fat. She will show me her belly and comment on how fat it is. Notice the word fat being thrown around so freely? Just this week, she showed my Mom her belly and told her “look how fat it is”. My Mom showed her the ribs sticking out, both on her sides, as well as on her chest.
MY CHILD IS NOT FAT! PLEASE STOP WITH THE LECTURES THAT MAKE HER FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HER BODY!
Not only are the lectures putting body image issues in her mind at an early age (that will come soon enough, thank you very much), it’s also teaching her that overweight people are bad. I don’t want her to think overweight people are bad people. There are people with health issues, beyond their control, that cause them to keep extra weight. I don’t want her to look at people, and judge them, based on their size.
My daughter doesn’t always eat healthy, but, for the most part, she does very well. On the flip side of that, and this seems to be an “after thought” in the lectures, she’s very active. She’s not ADHD active, but she has been known to climb a few walls. When I went to the lecture at the school, they briefly mentioned activity being part of a healthy lifestyle. I know diet and exercise are the key to a healthy lifestyle. If the schools are so head strong on making sure our kids aren’t FAT, then why did they take away P.E.? When I was in school, from 1st through 8th grade, we had P.E. every day, for an hour. AND!!! we also got 10 to 15 minutes of recess every single day of the week. We had the FAT laden food the cafeteria served, we weren’t obese. Now, the kids get P.E. once a week, and recess is not ever guaranteed. What happened there?
I want my kids to be healthy, but I don’t want my kids to be unhealthy. When my already thin 7 year old thinks she’s fat, we’re not heading in the right direction. At this rate, she will be anorexic by the time she’s 10. I think we need to rethink our goals and training for a “healthy lifestyle” for our future. In my opinion, the first step should be eliminating the word FAT from the lesson.
My daughter started hearing the lectures in 1st grade. Now, there are ways to go about teaching children to be healthy and active, but reinforcing the word FAT is not one of them. In 1st grade, my daughter started refusing to wear certain clothes “because they make her look fat”. Mind you, my daughter is anything but fat!
Let’s skip ahead to 2nd grade, where my daughter is leaner than she was in 1st. A week or so ago, I attended a healthy eating lecture at the school. Again, it’s great they want the kids to be healthy, but the way they’re throwing this out to the kids, is in no way healthy for developing minds. Fat is a bad word. It’s bad to be fat. Those were the ideas I was left with when the lecture was over.
My daughter has told me the cucumbers she eats all the time are going to make her fat. About a week later, she told me she shouldn’t be drinking milk, because it is making her fat. She will show me her belly and comment on how fat it is. Notice the word fat being thrown around so freely? Just this week, she showed my Mom her belly and told her “look how fat it is”. My Mom showed her the ribs sticking out, both on her sides, as well as on her chest.
MY CHILD IS NOT FAT! PLEASE STOP WITH THE LECTURES THAT MAKE HER FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HER BODY!
Not only are the lectures putting body image issues in her mind at an early age (that will come soon enough, thank you very much), it’s also teaching her that overweight people are bad. I don’t want her to think overweight people are bad people. There are people with health issues, beyond their control, that cause them to keep extra weight. I don’t want her to look at people, and judge them, based on their size.
My daughter doesn’t always eat healthy, but, for the most part, she does very well. On the flip side of that, and this seems to be an “after thought” in the lectures, she’s very active. She’s not ADHD active, but she has been known to climb a few walls. When I went to the lecture at the school, they briefly mentioned activity being part of a healthy lifestyle. I know diet and exercise are the key to a healthy lifestyle. If the schools are so head strong on making sure our kids aren’t FAT, then why did they take away P.E.? When I was in school, from 1st through 8th grade, we had P.E. every day, for an hour. AND!!! we also got 10 to 15 minutes of recess every single day of the week. We had the FAT laden food the cafeteria served, we weren’t obese. Now, the kids get P.E. once a week, and recess is not ever guaranteed. What happened there?
I want my kids to be healthy, but I don’t want my kids to be unhealthy. When my already thin 7 year old thinks she’s fat, we’re not heading in the right direction. At this rate, she will be anorexic by the time she’s 10. I think we need to rethink our goals and training for a “healthy lifestyle” for our future. In my opinion, the first step should be eliminating the word FAT from the lesson.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Speaking Of Mya
"The wildest colts make the best horses."
-Plutarch, Greek Essayist (46-120 A.D.)
"The next time your child acts like a bucking bronco, be encouraged that her spirit is strong. That’s a good thing. She will be less likely to follow the crowd or to get lost in the shuffle. Be heartened that she will make waves in this world instead of drowning in anonymity. I’m a firm believer that being strong-willed is not a bad thing. It takes a pretty strong will to make it in this world. Trust me. If you want your child to grow up and be a leader, a person of influence, you want her to be strong-willed.
That does not mean that we wink and smile when our kids misbehave. We show our children what choices they have and what choices they don’t have in this world. And we have firmly established boundaries and consequences in place for the choices that they make. But, we do our best not to take it personally when our children push back against us. Our job, after all, is not to break our child’s spirit. It is to show her how to harness it."
-Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting & ScreamFree Marriage
While the quote, and the tip for the day, refer to wild colts, or broncos, I sometimes find myself referring to Mya as a wild thing. I've always said, if I had a girl, I want her to be strong willed. Yes, we argue. Yes, we're both stubborn. Yes, she tries me, and pushes the limits. Yes, there are days I want to pull my hair out, or scream at the top of my lungs.
No, I wouldn't have it any other way.
-Plutarch, Greek Essayist (46-120 A.D.)
"The next time your child acts like a bucking bronco, be encouraged that her spirit is strong. That’s a good thing. She will be less likely to follow the crowd or to get lost in the shuffle. Be heartened that she will make waves in this world instead of drowning in anonymity. I’m a firm believer that being strong-willed is not a bad thing. It takes a pretty strong will to make it in this world. Trust me. If you want your child to grow up and be a leader, a person of influence, you want her to be strong-willed.
That does not mean that we wink and smile when our kids misbehave. We show our children what choices they have and what choices they don’t have in this world. And we have firmly established boundaries and consequences in place for the choices that they make. But, we do our best not to take it personally when our children push back against us. Our job, after all, is not to break our child’s spirit. It is to show her how to harness it."
-Hal Runkel, LMFT, Author of ScreamFree Parenting & ScreamFree Marriage
While the quote, and the tip for the day, refer to wild colts, or broncos, I sometimes find myself referring to Mya as a wild thing. I've always said, if I had a girl, I want her to be strong willed. Yes, we argue. Yes, we're both stubborn. Yes, she tries me, and pushes the limits. Yes, there are days I want to pull my hair out, or scream at the top of my lungs.
No, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Friday, October 4, 2013
My Unsociable Butterfly
I’m writing this piece because it has bothered me for a couple of years that an educator thought my 5 year old was rude, because she wouldn’t speak to her.
For years I would refer to my now 7 year old, as anti-social. The doctor told me anti-social personality means you’re a menace to society. I was using the term incorrectly.
If you see us out, you will see a lively, rambunctious 7 year old. If you approach us, and speak to my daughter, she will look at you as if you have 4 heads. See, my daughter won’t talk to you, and heaven forbid you try to touch her. She’s not being rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly. You will find her, at a distance, flitting around, carefree, but if you approach her, she quickly becomes withdrawn. She will not talk to you. She’s not being rude, or disrespectful to you, she’s being Mya. She’s this way with most family member, so please don’t take it personally.
On the flip side, there are some people Mya will immediately gravitate toward, and act like she’s known them her entire life. Why is that? I have no idea.
I’ve struggled for years, trying to get her to open up and share her wonderful personality with the rest of the world. Dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, anything, where I could get her involved and it required interaction with others. Dance was a disaster. Mya wouldn’t go in the room without me, and the instructor took her from me and held her, and I left, closing the door behind me. I knew the cries and screams could go on for hours, but the teacher didn’t. After 4 classes, we were told “I don’t think she’s ready”. Gymnastics was great until she moved up to a class that not longer allowed the parents to be involved. Again, she wouldn’t go without me, and the gym made some exceptions for us. After a while, it didn’t get any better, so we moved on from there. Soccer was great, for a while. The coach would have to come and get her, in order to get her on the field, and once she was out there, she loved it, and was good at it. During the breaks, I would encourage her to run and play with the other kids, but she would choose to come and sit with us. Once she moved up and was with a larger group of kids, with most of them being new faces, she totally lost interest in soccer. As an outgoing Mom, it hurts to see your daughter missing out on so much fun. It hurts to see your daughter laughing, from the sidelines, while watching the other kids run, laugh and play. I know she wanted to join them, but something in her wouldn’t allow it. If a child did approach her and invite her to join them, she would turn her eyes from them, as if she didn’t see them. I promise you, she’ not being stuck up, or thinking she’s better than your child. She doesn’t know how to interact with her peer group.
When Mya was about 4, she quit giving hugs and kisses. Oh, how I loved those sweet little arms around my neck, and the sloppy kisses. Only 2 people are now allowed to hug and kiss Mya, and that’s me, and her Mamaw. She will stand firmly while you give her hugs, but she will allow me to hug her. She will tolerate you kissing her cheeks, but don’t expect the same affections from her. There are times she will come to me, and give me the biggest hug. Oh how I savor it, and take in the sweetness. From the time she was a baby, we would always hug and kiss each other, and say our “I love you’s”, at bedtime. Not any more. We always tell Mya goodnight, and I love you, but we never expect to hear it in return. I know in my heart, Mya loves us with all her being, I never doubt that, but over the years, I’ve come to accept, this is Mya.
Last year, Mya and I switched doctors. We had been seeing her previous doctor for probably 4 or 5 years. In all the time we were at the previous doctor, Mya never spoke a word to her. The doctor was bubbly, and always walked in the room with open arms, ready to give hugs. Again, heaven forbid you try to touch her. Mya would always, immediately, bury herself into me and try to get as far away as possible. When we had our first visit with the new doctor, I scheduled the appointments so that I could be seen first, because I wanted to talk to the doctor, about Mya’s behavior, without her being in the room. I gave a few examples of her behavior, and expressed my concerns. He asked a few questions and then asked to have Mya brought in to join us. Mya was so cooperative, but when he would talk to her, she wouldn’t respond. She asked me if I could leave the room, she didn’t want me in there while she talked. I left the room, but stood outside the door, with the door slightly open so I could hear. Mya answered all his questions, without hesitation. In doing so, it made me look and feel like I have totally over exaggerated everything. But I didn’t. Oh my gosh, what if it was me? Have I been holding Mya back? No, I have tried everything to encourage her to engage with others. Maybe I’ve pushed too hard. No, because after the dance incident, I never pushed her that far again.
To this day, my 7 year old still struggles in social situations. I don’t know what to do to help her, other than be supportive.
Unless you’ve dealt with YOUR child exhibiting this type of behavior, please don’t think my child is rude. She’s not rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly, she’s Mya, and she’s just being herself.
For years I would refer to my now 7 year old, as anti-social. The doctor told me anti-social personality means you’re a menace to society. I was using the term incorrectly.
If you see us out, you will see a lively, rambunctious 7 year old. If you approach us, and speak to my daughter, she will look at you as if you have 4 heads. See, my daughter won’t talk to you, and heaven forbid you try to touch her. She’s not being rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly. You will find her, at a distance, flitting around, carefree, but if you approach her, she quickly becomes withdrawn. She will not talk to you. She’s not being rude, or disrespectful to you, she’s being Mya. She’s this way with most family member, so please don’t take it personally.
On the flip side, there are some people Mya will immediately gravitate toward, and act like she’s known them her entire life. Why is that? I have no idea.
I’ve struggled for years, trying to get her to open up and share her wonderful personality with the rest of the world. Dance classes, gymnastics, soccer, anything, where I could get her involved and it required interaction with others. Dance was a disaster. Mya wouldn’t go in the room without me, and the instructor took her from me and held her, and I left, closing the door behind me. I knew the cries and screams could go on for hours, but the teacher didn’t. After 4 classes, we were told “I don’t think she’s ready”. Gymnastics was great until she moved up to a class that not longer allowed the parents to be involved. Again, she wouldn’t go without me, and the gym made some exceptions for us. After a while, it didn’t get any better, so we moved on from there. Soccer was great, for a while. The coach would have to come and get her, in order to get her on the field, and once she was out there, she loved it, and was good at it. During the breaks, I would encourage her to run and play with the other kids, but she would choose to come and sit with us. Once she moved up and was with a larger group of kids, with most of them being new faces, she totally lost interest in soccer. As an outgoing Mom, it hurts to see your daughter missing out on so much fun. It hurts to see your daughter laughing, from the sidelines, while watching the other kids run, laugh and play. I know she wanted to join them, but something in her wouldn’t allow it. If a child did approach her and invite her to join them, she would turn her eyes from them, as if she didn’t see them. I promise you, she’ not being stuck up, or thinking she’s better than your child. She doesn’t know how to interact with her peer group.
When Mya was about 4, she quit giving hugs and kisses. Oh, how I loved those sweet little arms around my neck, and the sloppy kisses. Only 2 people are now allowed to hug and kiss Mya, and that’s me, and her Mamaw. She will stand firmly while you give her hugs, but she will allow me to hug her. She will tolerate you kissing her cheeks, but don’t expect the same affections from her. There are times she will come to me, and give me the biggest hug. Oh how I savor it, and take in the sweetness. From the time she was a baby, we would always hug and kiss each other, and say our “I love you’s”, at bedtime. Not any more. We always tell Mya goodnight, and I love you, but we never expect to hear it in return. I know in my heart, Mya loves us with all her being, I never doubt that, but over the years, I’ve come to accept, this is Mya.
Last year, Mya and I switched doctors. We had been seeing her previous doctor for probably 4 or 5 years. In all the time we were at the previous doctor, Mya never spoke a word to her. The doctor was bubbly, and always walked in the room with open arms, ready to give hugs. Again, heaven forbid you try to touch her. Mya would always, immediately, bury herself into me and try to get as far away as possible. When we had our first visit with the new doctor, I scheduled the appointments so that I could be seen first, because I wanted to talk to the doctor, about Mya’s behavior, without her being in the room. I gave a few examples of her behavior, and expressed my concerns. He asked a few questions and then asked to have Mya brought in to join us. Mya was so cooperative, but when he would talk to her, she wouldn’t respond. She asked me if I could leave the room, she didn’t want me in there while she talked. I left the room, but stood outside the door, with the door slightly open so I could hear. Mya answered all his questions, without hesitation. In doing so, it made me look and feel like I have totally over exaggerated everything. But I didn’t. Oh my gosh, what if it was me? Have I been holding Mya back? No, I have tried everything to encourage her to engage with others. Maybe I’ve pushed too hard. No, because after the dance incident, I never pushed her that far again.
To this day, my 7 year old still struggles in social situations. I don’t know what to do to help her, other than be supportive.
Unless you’ve dealt with YOUR child exhibiting this type of behavior, please don’t think my child is rude. She’s not rude, she’s our unsociable butterfly, she’s Mya, and she’s just being herself.
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