Into Her Head

Into Her Head
Living with Anxiety and OCD

Imagine not sleeping at night. Dreams haunt your sleep, you reach out constantly for reassurance you’re not alone.




I don’t want to die.




Imagine waking up each morning, dreading the idea of facing the day ahead of you. The people, the noise, the chaos.






I don’t want the world to burn in fire.



Imagine being afraid of what people are thinking of you. Why are they laughing, are they making fun of me? I can’t choose this outfit, someone might think I’m a boy. Or maybe they will think I’m too prissy. What if they think I’m not good enough? What if they think I’m a bad person? Why are they looking at me? How can I hide? I need to change the way I behave so I am more like them. Or, maybe if I act like someone or something completely different, they won’t see me.




I want to live forever.


Imagine you are not worthy of love. You won’t let anyone close to you. You won’t accept love and friendship from others. Never let them see you.




But, what if I die.




Imagine being in a crowd of people, scared someone will touch you, talk to you, or look at you.



I’m never good at anything.



Imagine wanting to speak, but your mind won’t allow your lips to move. You’re frozen.



I hate my life.


Imagine your every move is being monitored, and judged. All eyes are on you, and your actions. What if you say the wrong thing? What if you behave in a way that’s not appropriate for the situation? What if they don’t like you?



Do you think I’m weird?




Why am I different?


Now, imagine your 9 years old. You’re not able to understand, let alone deal, with these thoughts and emotions.





Mental health issues in children are very real. Anxiety and OCD are very real.

It has taken us years of pushing doctors, teachers, and mental health professionals, to get her tested, and to get a diagnosis.

Mya knows how to camouflage herself, and will go into role play so she can fit in with her peers. No one knows the internal struggles because she’s learned to hide it well. Except when it comes out, as shown in the pictures above.

We decided to medicate a year or so ago. That was one of the most difficult decisions we’ve ever had to make.

My recent discussions with the doctor involved the use of Benadryl to calm her, and help her sleep. I’ve bought the Benadryl, but I can’t bring myself to give it to her.

When I was buying the Benadryl, I also had to buy more Band-Aids. It all hit me like a truck. Instead of buying my daughter Hello Kitty lip gloss, or nail polish, I’m buying her Benadryl to calm her so she can sleep, and Band-Aids to cover her self-inflicted wounds.

Most kids love to be hugged and snuggled. Our daughter doesn’t want to be touched or comforted.

Most kids jump right in during a party or play date. Our daughter only chooses to play with the ones that know the real her. No outsiders are allowed in.

Mya is quite the chameleon. She observes her surroundings, and adapts. But that’s not the real Mya.

The real Mya is smart, talented, beautiful, and funny. Her smile can light the night. But you won’t see that, unless you’ve been invited into her world. Into her way of thinking. Into her head.